WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
