I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
