When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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