FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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