I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
sex in a hospital.. check
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
