i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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