community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
