and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
