i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
