That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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