Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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