I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
