Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
