im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
