yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
