Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
