I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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