so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
and she was petting her beer can
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
