I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
