a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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