Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
