I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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