Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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