The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I skipped work to stalk him.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
