I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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