as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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