My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
