I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
