It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
