I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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