can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
