I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
