On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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