I can tuck mytits in my pants
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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