I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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