Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
