A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
