i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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