i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
