24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
