so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
