The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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