She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize