May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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