trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
