Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
