I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
