the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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