in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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