The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize