Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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