Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
