Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
