did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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